What Is a Sexless Marriage? Definition, Causes, Effects, and How to Fix It in
Author: Dr. Mary Perleoni, Ph.D., LMHC
Updated August 11, 2025
Summary
A sexless marriage is typically defined as one where couples have sex less than 10 times per year, and it can stem from deeper issues like communication breakdowns or health problems, often leading to emotional disconnect and avoidance of physical touch.
Common causes include:
Physical health concerns – chronic illness, hormonal changes, or pain during intimacy.
Mental health challenges – depression, anxiety, or past trauma that makes closeness harder.
Relationship stressors – parenting demands, financial strain, or competing priorities.
Unresolved conflicts – lingering resentments or emotional wounds that make physical affection feel unsafe or unwanted.
The effects of a prolonged lack of intimacy can look different for men and women, but often include lowered self-esteem, growing resentment, and a gradual erosion of emotional closeness. Over time, partners may feel more like roommates than lovers, and if left unaddressed, can lead to emotional distancing and separation. The good news? A sexless marriage doesn’t have to stay that way. With guidance, open communication, and a shared desire to change, couples can reignite both passion and emotional connection.
What Is a Sexless Marriage? (Definition and Overview)
This situation is fairly widespread, with around 15-20% of U.S. marriages classified as sexless. What constitutes a sexless marriage isn't just about frequency—it's when intimacy feels absent, leading to emotional disconnect. Variations include "dry marriage" (lacking passion) or "celibate marriage" (intentional abstinence), but most cases are unintentional and highlight underlying problems.
Within our Tampa based practice, we’ve conducted surveys across couples entering into relationship therapy and found nearly 1 out of 4 couples who have been married for 10+ years are living in a sexless marriage
The emotional turmoil and dissatisfaction from a lack of sex often indicate deeper issues. Acknowledging the significance of both physical closeness and emotional connection is vital for a satisfying marital relationship. Societal norms often set forth lofty (and false) ideals that can magnify stress and feelings of inadequacy.
Understanding the root causes can help facilitate effective responses. Couples often experience feelings of loneliness in a sexless marriage, which highlights why it’s crucial to foster awareness and encourage candid conversations. Initiating frank discussions about your intimate life may prevent minor problems from worsening. Something as simple as a small gesture of affection can play an important role. For any romantic bond to flourish, both individuals must be willing to put forth consistent effort.
Signs and Symptoms of a Sexless Marriage
Recognizing the indicators of a sexless marriage is crucial but can be difficult—it's vital to address these signs to resolve underlying problems. Symptoms like reduced sexual activity, emotional detachment, and evading physical contact frequently point to more profound intimacy issues. Here are key signs:
Decreased Sexual Activity
Many couples experience phases where sexual activity diminishes, affecting intimacy. This can cause frustration, disappointment, and pain. If sex occurs less than 10 times a year, it aligns with the clinical definition of a sexless marriage.
Emotional Disconnect
When partners become emotionally distant, it can lead to feelings of being undesired. This gap may provoke thoughts of unfaithfulness as individuals grapple with guilt and a yearning for change. A sense of not being desired often diminishes the appetite for sexual intimacy.
Avoidance of Physical Touch
Physical affection plays a key role in maintaining intimacy. Lack of gestures like holding hands, hugging, or kissing can signal serious issues, arising from resentment, detachment, or past traumas. If unresolved, these can lead to deeper emotional divides.
Additional symptoms
Other signs include lack of non-sexual intimacy (e.g., no cuddling), resentment building over time, or one partner feeling like a roommate rather than a lover.
Causes of a Sexless Marriage
Recognizing the typical reasons behind a sexless marriage helps couples pinpoint and tackle intimacy issues. Health complications, mental well-being obstacles, lifestyle stressors, and communication breakdowns can all profoundly affect the sexual aspect of a relationship.
Health Issues Impacting Libido
Long-term conditions like diabetes and hypertension can reduce sexual desire due to their bodily impact. Hormonal issues, surgeries, and medications might cause sexual dysfunction. Sexless marriages due to medical conditions are common and often treatable with professional help.
Mental Health Challenges
Issues like anxiety, depression, and bipolar disorder can negatively impact sexual desire and fulfillment. Depression, for instance, leads to reduced energy, diminished interest in activities, and social withdrawal that affects intimacy.
Lifestyle Stressors
High cortisol from stress can diminish sex drive. Hectic schedules, financial issues, and family changes may limit opportunities for intimacy and create strain. Stress and sexless marriages often go hand-in-hand.
Communication Breakdown and Unresolved Conflicts
Effective communication is essential. A lack of it can lead to unresolved conflicts, building resentment and intimacy issues. Allowing conflicts to persist deepens emotional detachment.
Effects of a Sexless Marriage on Husbands, Wives, and the Relationship
A sexless marriage can have devastating effects, impacting emotional, physical, and mental health. These vary by gender but often lead to unhappiness and higher divorce risks (up to 1/3 of cases in some studies).
Effects on Husbands: Lack of intimacy can shatter confidence, leading to low self-esteem, resentment, anxiety, depression, and feelings of rejection or failure. Men may feel unwanted, disconnected, or like roommates, increasing loneliness and even infidelity risks.
Effects on Wives: Women often experience isolation, low self-esteem, feeling undesired, and stress relief loss. This can cause depression, resentment, or emotional neglect, sometimes leading to thoughts of divorce.
Overall Relationship Impacts: Reduced bonding hormones, higher stress, and potential for abuse-like emotional harm. Is a sexless marriage considered abuse? Not legally, but chronic neglect can feel like it.
Communication Breakdown
In any marriage, effective communication is essential to maintain a healthy relationship. A lack of communication may result in unresolved conflicts and issues with intimacy, which can ultimately cause the relationship to become sexless. Addressing these problems involves acknowledging one’s own feelings and making concerted efforts to spend meaningful time together.
Unresolved Conflicts
Allowing unresolved conflicts to persist may deepen emotional detachment and heighten problems with intimacy. When resentment builds up and individuals feel unvalued, these negative emotions can inhibit their willingness to participate in intimate exchanges, thereby damaging the overall relationship.
Mismatched Sexual Desires
Many couples struggle with differing levels of sexual desire, which can create feelings of incompatibility. The complexity is often increased by persistent stress and individual beliefs about intimacy. It’s essential to engage in frank conversations concerning sexual preferences to identify a mutual understanding.
Lack of Open Dialogue
Open and candid conversations about sexual desires can greatly improve intimacy. By ensuring couples make times for both sex and intimacy, and keeping an honest dialogue regarding sexual needs, couples can see significant improvements.
Psychological and Emotional Factors
Emotional and psychological elements are crucial in shaping sexual intimacy. Issues such as past trauma, fear of rejection, and low self-esteem can profoundly affect the sex life of a couple. Addressing these issues is essential for enhancing sexual intimacy.
Low Self-Esteem
In a marriage, personal self-esteem is greatly influenced by feelings of desire and can be essential for engaging in sexual activity. When an individual feels undesirable, it can severely affect their self-esteem, leading to a negative self-view and subsequent issues with intimacy.
Past Trauma
Individuals who have experienced sexual abuse in the past may face significant emotional hurdles that obstruct intimacy. These individuals often struggle to form intimate relationships and may encounter intense emotional responses and trust challenges due to their history of trauma.
Fear of Rejection
Apprehension about the possibility of rejection can deeply affect someone’s willingness to seek out intimate encounters. Concerns over being rejected or denied may deter a person from revealing their longing for intimacy, which could result in behaviors that sabotage themselves and widen the emotional distance among partners.
External Influences
Acknowledging the range of external factors that affect sexual intimacy in marriage, including societal pressures, financial stress, and substance abuse, is essential for couples to confront their sexual challenges with greater effectiveness.
Societal Pressures
Couples may feel heightened pressure and anxiety, along with intensified feelings of inadequacy and diminished intimacy when they believe their frequency and attitude towards sex in marriage doesn’t align with societal norms considered ‘normal’.
Substance Abuse
Substance abuse can adversely affect sexual functioning and lessen the desire for physical intimacy, leading to problems such as erectile dysfunction and a decreased sexual drive. This can add extra pressure to romantic relationships by undermining the quality of intimacy within them.
Financial Stress
The strain of financial difficulties can create an emotional rift between partners, diminishing their yearning for closeness. This economic pressure may result in communication strains and a decreased interest in sexual activity because anxiety heightens and distractions become more prevalent.
How to Rekindle a Sexless Marriage: Tips and Solutions
Reviving a sexless marriage requires effort but is possible. Start with open dialogue and professional help.
Communicate Openly: Invite your partner for a relaxed chat (e.g., over wine) without pressure to "solve" issues immediately. Focus on desires rather than lacks.
Build Non-Sexual Intimacy: Flirt, be affectionate, and view daily interactions as foreplay. Compliments and appreciation go far.
Address Stress and Health: Practice yoga, meditation, or seek medical advice for underlying issues.
Schedule Intimacy: Plan date nights or intimate time to rebuild habits.
Seek Professional Help: In Tampa, consider couples therapy at local centers like It Begins Within Healing Center for tailored support.
When to Walk Away: If efforts fail and it's causing harm, evaluate options. Is a sexless marriage biblical grounds for divorce? Views vary—some see refusal as sin allowing divorce, others advise against it solely on this basis.
Will a Sexless Marriage Lead to Divorce?
A marriage devoid of sexual activity, typically characterized by engaging in sex fewer than 10 times annually, may prompt thoughts of divorce more often compared to marriages where partners have an active sexual relationship. The absence of sexual satisfaction can foster resentment and elevate the likelihood of separation.
Compounding this issue are elements like insufficient commitment, extramarital affairs, and persistent disagreements which escalate the risk of dissolution for these non-sexual unions.
Satisfaction vs. Frequency
Sexual contentment is more closely linked to the emotional bond shared between partners rather than the number of times they engage in sexual activities. Greater levels of happiness and stability within a relationship are commonly reported by those who experience fulfilling sexual satisfaction.
Even with sporadic instances of sexual activity, a couple can sustain a gratifying relationship provided both individuals feel sexually satisfied. Enhancing the quality of their sexual fulfillment can foster deeper significance in their connection, regardless of how often these encounters occur.
Assessing Personal Dealbreakers
Whether a sexless marriage is a dealbreaker depends on the unique dynamics and agreements of the couple involved. If your partner does not acknowledge the problem in a low-sex marriage, it is important to decide if that situation is a dealbreaker for you.
Dealbreakers can be defined as non-negotiable issues that can affect the future of any partnership
Next Steps If You Are in a Sexless Marriage
If you find yourself in a sexless marriage, taking actionable steps is crucial. Self-reflection, open communication, and exploring therapy options can address underlying issues and rekindle intimacy.
Self-Reflection
It’s essential to delve into one’s emotions regarding the shortfall in closeness and address concerns that arise. By dedicating moments for introspection, people can pinpoint their sentiments concerning the absence of intimacy and ascertain their genuine aspirations from a relationship.
Open Communication
Open dialogues with your partner can help both individuals express feelings and concerns regarding the relationship. Discussing intimacy issues openly can prevent misunderstandings and promote a healthier relationship.
Honest discussions about feelings and desires help partners reconnect emotionally.
Explore Therapy Options
Opting for professional assistance through couples therapy offers a non-partisan setting to examine challenges that are affecting the intimate aspects of a relationship and to construct approaches for enhancements. To reconstruct an emotional bond, it is essential to invest in quality time with one another, partake in significant dialogue, and grasp each other’s unique requirements.
Summary
Understanding the signs and causes of a sexless marriage is the first step toward addressing this complex issue. From health problems and lifestyle stressors to communication breakdowns and psychological factors, various elements can impact intimacy in a relationship. By recognizing these factors and taking proactive steps like seeking professional help, prioritizing emotional connection, and scheduling intimate time, couples can rekindle their intimacy and strengthen their bond. Remember, a sexless marriage doesn’t have to be the end of the road; with effort and understanding, it can lead to a deeper and more fulfilling connection.
Frequently Asked Questions
What defines a sexless marriage?
A sexless marriage is generally defined as having sexual relations 10 times or fewer in a year. This definition can vary based on personal expectations and experiences, highlighting the importance of communication between partners.
What are common signs of a sexless marriage?
Common signs of a sexless marriage include decreased sexual activity, emotional disconnect, and avoidance of physical touch.
It’s crucial to recognize these indicators as they often point to deeper intimacy issues that require attention.
Can mental health issues contribute to a sexless marriage?
Mental health issues like anxiety and depression can indeed contribute to a sexless marriage by diminishing sexual desire and satisfaction.
Addressing these underlying concerns is crucial for restoring intimacy.
How can couples rekindle intimacy in a sexless marriage?
In a marriage devoid of sexual intimacy, it’s vital for partners to focus on strengthening their emotional bond. Allocating specific time slots for nurturing closeness and contemplating the assistance of a professional can help resolve any deep-seated problems.
Implementing these strategies could revitalize the relationship, enhancing the connection between spouses and paving the way for increased intimacy.
Is a sexless marriage a dealbreaker for everyone?
A sexless marriage can be a dealbreaker for some, but it ultimately depends on the couple’s specific dynamics and mutual understanding of the situation.
Open communication and acknowledgment are essential to navigate such challenges.
