How Resentment Builds in a Relationship

Author: Tyler MacDonald, LMHC

A lot of the couples I see feel guilty about their resentment, like it's proof they don't love each other enough. In my experience it has very little to do with how much they love each other.

Where Resentment Comes From

If I can't communicate authentically in front of someone because I need to protect them, I need to serve them, I need to do anything in their name, in their well-being, that holding in of my truth is going to translate into resentment. It does not matter how much I love. In fact, honestly, the more I love someone, the more I'm going to be in a space where resentment is occurring.

It's natural, it's appropriate. It's not necessarily something to avoid in a relationship, so long as we have a space where we can safely release it. Most couples I meet just haven't had that space yet.

What's Usually Underneath It

Resentment doesn't always show up by name. When we see anger, when we see contempt, when we see resentment, we often don't get into the unmet needs underneath that. A lot of couples are fighting their way out of pain.

My role is to understand the larger pattern couples are repeating within their pain, and to help them understand how they can communicate through conflict into understanding, into self-respect. We break things down in terms of where we've come from in attachment and our challenges with connecting with ourselves. Then we bring that into how we struggle to connect with our partners, but also our capacity to be able to do that.

Repair Starts With Yourself

Repairing wounds really comes down to understanding the capability we have ourselves as individuals for doing this. So much of the challenges we face in our relationships come from the hope that our partner will be the person to do this. If I'm needing my partner to help me, they're not going to be able to do that, and it's not a fair expectation.

Ideally, in a healthy relationship, it's two people who understand their capacity for helping themselves and getting to do life together, where we get to experience the beauty of two people coming together, doing that in their own ways. The more I'm able to understand my partner, the more they're able to understand me, the more we're able to see each other's process and help with resentment. So when I can do it for myself and my partner can do it for themselves, that's really where this relationship gets to shine.

Why 50 Minutes a Week Isn't Always Enough

A lot of times we think of this as something that requires a ton of words. It really is about exposure that's safe and predictable. We don't need to speak in order to effectively co-regulate. We deserve to have consistent, safe exposure to uncomfortable emotions.

Weekly therapy gives couples that in 50-minute pieces, spread across weeks. When we're able to give couples the day rather than 50 minutes at a time, it makes a massive difference in their relationship to these more challenging emotions coming up within them. That's a big part of why we do two-day retreats.

What I See Over Two Days

I was on a call with a couple recently, explaining the flow from day one to day two and what to expect, and it's always really fascinating to me. Day one, we're just getting everything up onto the surface. We're understanding the unmet needs, understanding the resentments, the contempt, a lot of the more uncomfortable stuff. And we're also seeing where they've already had so many successes that maybe they weren't previously able to understand as such.

We send them home, they get that time to sit and go back into their usual environments, and they come back day two and there's already an aspect of integration that's occurred. It's pretty consistent, pretty predictable, and it's its own little reward. Their hope is ignited a little bit more. They're seeing that this is a place where they're able to open up, where they're able to connect with self-respect, understanding, and a bit of peace.

What surprises couples most is their understanding of their partner, and their partner's capacity for understanding themselves. There's these moments where the light bulb goes off. Hey, wait, there's a relationship here, and this person sees me and I see them.

By the end they get to see their partner again, and they get to see their partner's love for them again. When I have access to my capacity for showing up effectively, I get to trust myself in trusting and loving my partner again. The most literal way I can put it is that people walk out of here with a bit of shine on their face, a bit of a glow going on. It's always beautiful to see.

If This Sounds Familiar

Carrying resentment doesn't mean the relationship is over. Usually it means something true hasn't had a safe place to go yet. You can start with weekly couples therapy, or talk with our team about our two-day retreats. Either one starts with a free consultation.