How to Tell If Your Relationship Is Falling Apart and How to Fix It
Author: Dr. Mary Perleoni, Ph.D., LMHC
Published July 9, 2025
TL;DR Summary: Is Your Relationship Falling Apart?
Warning Signs: Emotional detachment, communication breakdown, loss of intimacy, controlling behaviors, and growing resentment indicate your relationship needs attention.
Critical Distinction: Toxic relationships (both partners contributing to unhealthy patterns) can often be healed with therapy, while abusive relationships (power imbalance, fear, control) require immediate safety planning.
Path to Recovery: Rebuild through honest communication, restore trust gradually, take personal responsibility while practicing empathy, and seek professional help when stuck in negative patterns.
When to Get Help: Consider professional help through couples therapy if conflicts never resolve, you feel emotionally withdrawn, contempt has crept in, or you're contemplating separation.
Bottom Line: Recognizing problems early and getting professional support can transform a failing relationship into a stronger bond, but it requires commitment from both partners and the courage to seek help.
About the Author: Dr. Perleoni
My name is Dr. Mary Perleoni, LMHC and I’m the owner of It Begins Within Healing Centers, I've spent years helping couples in NYC, Orlando and the Greater Tampa Bay area navigate these painful crossroads. What I've learned is that recognizing the warning signs early, and understanding what they truly mean for you and your relationship can make the difference between one that ends and one that transforms into something stronger. This guide will help you identify those crucial signs, understand the underlying patterns, and most importantly, show you the path forward, whether that means healing together or finding peace apart.
A Couples Therapist's Guide to Recognition and Repair
When you find yourself lying awake at night wondering if your relationship is beyond repair, the weight of that question can feel unbearable. The person who once felt like home now seems like a stranger, and the silence between you speaks louder than any argument ever could. As a couples therapist who has guided countless Tampa Bay couples through their darkest moments, I understand the confusion, fear, and deep sadness that comes with questioning whether your relationship is falling apart.
Signs Your Relationship Is Falling Apart
The deterioration of a relationship rarely happens overnight. From my professional experience it's often a slow erosion that begins with subtle changes you might initially dismiss and label a “stressful time” or a “rough patch”. Understanding these warning signs isn't about assigning blame, it's about gaining clarity so you can make informed decisions about your future.
One of the most telling signs is feeling emotionally detached from your partner. You might find yourself going through the motions of daily life together, but the emotional connection that once energized your relationship has faded. Conversations remain at more of a surface-level, focusing on logistics rather than feelings. You stop sharing your inner world (your hopes, fears, and dreams) because it feels too vulnerable or pointless. This emotional distance often manifests physically too - you might catch yourself avoiding eye contact, sitting farther apart on the couch, or feeling relief when your partner isn't home.
Communication breakdown is another critical indicator that your relationship is struggling. You might notice that every conversation turns into an argument, or conversely, that you've both stopped trying to communicate altogether. Important issues go unaddressed because bringing them up feels too exhausting or hopeless. When you do talk, it might feel like you're speaking different languages and you leave misunderstandings with neither of you feeling heard or validated.
The loss of intimacy extends beyond the physical realm, though that's often where people notice it first. While changes in sexual frequency can be normal in long-term relationships, a complete withdrawal from physical affection signals deeper problems. Even more concerning is the loss of emotional intimacy. You stop being each other's first call with good or bad news. Inside jokes no longer make you laugh.
Control dynamics often emerge as relationships deteriorate, creating a toxic cycle that accelerates the breakdown. You might find yourself becoming controlling, monitoring your partner's activities, questioning their every move, or making demands about how they spend their time. Alternatively, you might be on the receiving end of controlling behavior, feeling like you're walking on eggshells or losing your sense of autonomy. These patterns often stem from deep-seated fears and insecurities that intensify as the relationship becomes unstable.
Growing resentment acts like poison in a relationship, slowly contaminating every interaction. Past hurts that were never properly addressed begin to stack up, creating an invisible wall between partners. You might find yourself keeping a mental scorecard of wrongs, bringing up old grievances during new conflicts, or feeling a surge of anger at seemingly innocent comments. Trust, once broken, becomes increasingly difficult to rebuild, especially when both partners are harboring resentments.
Understanding the Difference Between Toxic and Abusive Relationships
As a couples therapist, it's important for me to note that while your relationship may be struggling, there are certain situations to be cognizant of. Understanding the difference between toxic patterns that can be healed versus abusive dynamics that require immediate safety planning is crucial for determining your next steps.
Toxic relationships
Toxic relationships involve unhealthy patterns both partners contribute to, behaviors such as: constant criticism, stonewalling, emotional manipulation, or cycles of conflict and reconciliation. Both people maintain agency and there are moments of genuine care, even if overshadowed by negative behaviors. With commitment and professional support, these relationships can often transform.
Abusive relationships
Abusive relationships on the otherhand involve systematic control through intimidation, threats, or violence (physical, emotional, sexual, or financial). Warning signs include: feeling afraid of your partner, changing behavior to avoid "setting them off," isolation from support systems, or being blamed for their abusive behavior. If this resonates, it's not your fault. The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) offers confidential support, and Tampa Bay has local resources to help create safety plans.
How to Get Your Relationship Back on Track
Saving a relationship that feels like it's falling apart requires courage, commitment, and often professional guidance. While every relationship is unique, there are proven strategies that can help couples reconnect and rebuild. As a couples therapist, I've witnessed remarkable transformations when both partners are willing to do the work.
Rebuilding through honest communication is the foundation of relationship repair. This doesn't mean simply talking more, it means learning to communicate in ways that foster understanding rather than defensiveness. Start by creating a safe space for difficult conversations.
how to create a safe space for difficult conversations
Choose a time when:
You're both calm
You are both free from distractions and have the mental space to address a difficult matter
Express your feelings without attacking
Use "I" statements to express your feelings: "I feel disconnected when we don't spend quality time together" rather than "You never make time for me."
Listen with the goal of understanding, not responding.
Reflect back what you hear to ensure you're truly getting your partner's perspective.
Restoring trust and emotional intimacy
In the world of instant gratification and Amazon instant delivery, unfrotunately rebuilding trust and connection is a gradual process that requires patience and consistency.
Trust is rebuilt through small & reliable actions over time
Follow through on commitments
Transparency about your activities and feelings
Emotional availability for your partner
Emotional intimacy grows when you risk vulnerability - share your fears, admit your mistakes, express your needs. Create new positive experiences together to balance out the negative patterns. This might mean instituting a weekly date night, taking up a hobby together, or simply committing to device-free dinners where you truly connect.
Professional couples therapy can accelerate healing by providing structured support and proven techniques. There are several evidence-based approaches which have significant research and evidence to support their effectiveness. Approaches such as the Gottman Method helps couples build friendship, manage conflict constructively, and create shared meaning. Emotionally Focused Therapy helps partners understand and transform the negative cycles that keep them stuck. These aren't quick fixes, but they're comprehensive approaches that address both surface conflicts and deeper attachment needs.
Taking personal responsibility while practicing empathy creates the balance necessary for relationship repair. This means owning your contribution to problems without taking on all the blame. Acknowledge how your actions have hurt your partner, express genuine remorse, and commit to specific changes. Simultaneously, work to understand your partner's perspective, even when it's painful to hear. Empathy doesn't mean agreeing with everything or excusing hurtful behavior. It means striving to understand the emotions and experiences behind your partner's actions.
Sometimes, when the path forward is unclear, discernment counseling can help. This specialized approach is designed for couples where one or both partners are unsure about whether to work on the relationship or end it. Over a series of sessions, you'll gain clarity about your options and what it would take to make the relationship work, helping you make a decision you can move forward with confidence.
When Professional Help Becomes Essential
Recognizing when you need professional support can be challenging, especially for high-achieving individuals accustomed to solving problems independently. But seeking couples therapy no more signals failure than hiring a mechanic for your car or a tutor for your child. Just as you leverage specialists expertise in other areas of life, working with a couples therapist simply means accessing proven strategies and insights that aren't part of your existing toolkit. It's not weakness, it's strategic intelligence.
Critical warning signs that therapy is needed include
Cecurring conflicts that never reach resolution
Emotional or physical withdrawal that persists despite attempts to reconnect
The presence of what relationship researcher John Gottman calls the "Four Horsemen"
Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling
If you're experiencing any form of abuse, individual therapy and safety planning should be your first priority. Other indicators include considering separation or divorce, discovering or dealing with infidelity, major life transitions straining your relationship, or simply feeling stuck in negative patterns despite your best efforts.
Understanding what couples therapy actually involves can ease anxiety about taking this step. In your first session at my Tampa based practice, you would meet with one of our skilled therapists who will help you both feel comfortable and understood. We'll explore your relationship history, current challenges, and goals for therapy. Subsequent sessions typically involve learning new communication tools, processing difficult emotions in a safe environment, and gradually rebuilding connection. Therapy isn't about determining who's right or wrong, it's about understanding your relationship dynamics and creating healthier patterns together.
Over my years of practice, I've noticed several things couples often don't realize about therapy. First, the problems that bring couples to therapy are rarely the real issues—they're usually symptoms of deeper disconnections or unmet needs. Second, both partners typically contribute to relationship problems, even if in different ways or proportions. Third, change is possible even when only one partner is initially motivated; we often see reluctant partners become fully engaged once they feel heard and understood. Finally, couples therapy isn't just about solving problems, it's about creating a stronger, more intimate relationship than you had before.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is marriage counseling worth it?
Research consistently shows that couples therapy, particularly evidence-based approaches like those we use at IBW, can significantly improve relationship satisfaction. About 70% of couples report improved relationship quality after therapy. The investment in counseling is minimal compared to the emotional and financial costs of divorce. More importantly, therapy provides tools and insights that benefit you throughout your life, not just in your current relationship.
How do I convince my spouse to go to therapy?
Approach the conversation from a place of vulnerability rather than accusation. Share your own struggles and desires for the relationship rather than listing your partner's faults. You might say, "I've been feeling disconnected from you, and I'd like us to work with someone who can help us reconnect. Would you be willing to try a few sessions?" If they're hesitant, suggest starting with just one session to see how it feels. Sometimes, beginning with individual therapy can pave the way for couples work later.
Does couples therapy really work?
When both partners are committed to the process, couples therapy has high success rates. Evidence-based approaches like Emotionally Focused Therapy show 70-90% of couples experiencing significant improvement. However, therapy requires active participation—it's not a passive fix. Success depends on factors including the severity of problems, commitment to change, and finding the right therapeutic match. At IBW, we're committed to helping you find the approach and therapist that best fits your needs.
How can I tell if my relationship is abusive?
Abuse involves a pattern of power and control that goes beyond normal relationship conflicts. Warning signs include feeling afraid of your partner, changing your behavior to avoid their anger, isolation from friends and family, constant criticism that undermines your self-worth, threats of violence (against you, themselves, or loved ones), and any form of physical violence. If you recognize these patterns, individual support and safety planning should be your priority. Our therapists can help you understand your situation and connect you with appropriate resources.
What if my partner doesn't want to change?
This is one of the most painful realizations in a relationship—you cannot force someone to change who isn't ready. However, you can change your own patterns and responses, which often shifts the relationship dynamic. Individual therapy can help you gain clarity about your needs and boundaries, develop strategies for self-care within the relationship, and ultimately decide whether to stay or leave. Sometimes, when one partner begins making positive changes, it inspires the other to engage in the process.
Key Takeaways and Next Steps
If you've recognized your relationship in these pages, I want you to know that awareness is the first step toward healing. Relationships fall apart gradually, but they can also be rebuilt with intention, commitment, and the right support. The warning signs we've explored—emotional detachment, communication breakdown, loss of intimacy, control issues, and growing resentment—are not necessarily death sentences for your relationship. They're calls to action.
Remember that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. The high-achieving professionals and relationships we serve throughout Tampa Bay and St. Petersburg often struggle with this truth, but those who overcome their hesitation to seek support often express wish they'd done so sooner. Your relationship deserves the same attention and care you give to other important areas of your life.
At It Begins Within Healing Center, we're here to support you wherever you are in your relationship journey. Whether you're committed to saving your relationship, uncertain about the future, or need support navigating a separation, our experienced therapists provide compassionate, evidence-based care tailored to your unique situation. We understand the specific challenges faced by couples in our community, and we're committed to helping you find your path forward.
Take the first step today by scheduling a free consultation with our team. During this brief call, we'll discuss your concerns, answer any questions about the therapy process, and help match you with the therapist best suited to your needs. You don't have to navigate this challenging time alone. Contact It Begins Within Healing Center to begin your journey toward healing, whether that means transforming your relationship or finding peace in a new chapter of your life. Your future self will thank you for having the courage to reach out today.
