Author: Dr. Alex Castañeda, Ph.D., LMHC
“I caught him watching porn, and I don’t know what to do.”
These words have softly made their way towards me from the client’s couch on many occasions. While problematic pornography use is growing in women, this is still a uniquely male problem. Thus, it is usually the wives, girlfriends, and fiancées of these men who come to me for individual or couples counseling to address the distress caused by their partner’s pornography use. Consistently, they are unsure if they are overreacting. “It’s just porn… right?” Usually these words are said with a seeking glance at me, looking for confirmation that they are either crazy for being bothered by it or that they should be angry.
Let me answer this outright: you are not crazy, silly, foolish, demanding, unreasonable, or unfair for being deeply bothered by your partner’s pornography use. This is a normal reaction in many people, and discovering a pornography addiction or even non-addictive pornography use is distressing and can be accurately described as a betrayal.
What I hope to do is (1) validate why it feels like a betrayal and why it feels like infidelity and (2) explain what the recovery process looks like.
Is Watching Porn Cheating? A Red Herring
The question of whether pornography use constitutes infidelity is tricky and depends on the couple, but it’s also a bit of a red herring. Some couples do not mind their partner’s pornography use, and conjoint viewing of pornography has been reported in some married couples. However, most partners, particularly female, react to their partner’s porn use with great distress and view it as a breach of faithfulness. First, I want to say that this is perfectly understandable. It seems silly to expect someone to have a laid-back attitude towards their husband or boyfriend masturbating to the naked bodies of other women. If a man were to include in his wedding vows, “I promise never to look at another woman while pleasuring myself,” this would not seem unreasonable (albeit odd to bring up on your wedding day). Thus, I want to dispel the notion that pornography use is as normal as having other friends or enjoying sports. Those would be unrealistic to restrict. Viewing sex acts online is not unrealistic to restrict or set boundaries against. If we normalize pornography use as an unavoidable reality, we invalidate many people who genuinely suffer from an addiction, and worse, we invalidate their hurting partners who feel betrayed.
The reason the infidelity question is a red herring is because it changes nothing about the impact it has if it’s not infidelity. What the partner is responding to is an attachment rupture. Let’s say, for argument’s sake, that viewing pornography is not infidelity. So what? Neither is domestic violence. Neither is prioritizing friends over your spouse. Neither is obsessing over work. Etc. Etc.
Why Porn Use Damages the Relationship
The real question is: is it damaging to the relationship? And the obvious answer is (barring rare exceptions) yes. More often than not it is damaging. Research attests to this. It erodes trust. It introduces sexual insecurity. And it hurts the partner who wonders (falsely) if there is something wrong with them. The trauma of betrayal is real and to deconstruct it is harmful to people suffering from it.
What Is Betrayal Trauma?
Betrayal trauma refers to the distress experienced by partners of sex and porn addicts (though not exclusive to them) that mirrors the distress found in post-traumatic stress disorder. After the discovery of their partner’s addiction, they may experience intense emotional dysregulation, hypervigilance about their partner’s behaviors, flashbacks, and anxiety (among other symptoms). Maybe you are reading this and it resonates with you. Perhaps you find yourself checking his phone, location, receipts, etc. Or maybe you feel unsafe sexually and have withdrawn affection, or perhaps you’ve become more sexual to “compete” with porn. These are all common responses to betrayal.
Why Betrayal Trauma Is So Complex
The complexity of betrayal trauma lies in the fact that the person who caused it still interacts with them daily and is likely someone they depend on for emotional, financial, parental, or social support. Thus, the healing process can be difficult if a separation is not an option. The betrayed partner is constantly reminded of the trauma because their partner is themselves a trigger.
How Your Nervous System Responds to Betrayal
The body has a built-in defense mode that turns on when threatened. The nervous system is designed to help you evade or confront danger. What a betrayed person is experiencing is the threat of attachment rupture and their body is responding in kind. They are not crazy, irrational, or too emotional. They are activated by a real threat that needs to be repaired so their body can relax back to safety.
If this sounds familiar, you do not have to carry it alone. A therapist who understands betrayal trauma can help you feel steady again.
What Betrayal Trauma Recovery Looks Like
First, Seek Stability
The first thing that should be done when a partner’s pornography addiction is discovered is… nothing. Now is not the time to make a drastic, life-altering decision. That time will come, maybe, but now is not that time. Before making any changes, first seek stability. That can be in the form of crisis counseling, or a close, trusted friend.
Why More Details May Not Help
You may want to become an investigator and collect information. When we are distressed by betrayal trauma, it is normal to think that more information will help. But this is often not the case. Research and clinical experience state that sometimes, more detail is unnecessarily traumatizing. Of course, if new discoveries include necessary information (another affair partner, depletion of savings to buy porn, etc.) this changes things. But it is usually advised to the betrayed party to document what they already know and work with that, slowly soliciting more information in structured disclosures when they are ready.
Start With Your Own Therapist
Importantly, the betrayed partner should not jump right into couples therapy. They should first, or at least simultaneously, have their own therapist to help them process the trauma. As an Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapist, I highly recommend this therapy to process the trauma of the discovery, and any subsequent distress it has produced.
Find a Therapist Who Understands Pornography Addiction
Find a therapist who is knowledgeable in pornography addiction. Many of my clients have been comforted by my merely explaining what pornography addiction is. Sometimes a simple explanation of the neurobiological mechanisms of addiction eases the betrayed partner’s worries. Sometimes, it reveals to them that they are unable to restore trust. There is no one outcome. The person who has been betrayed has a right to make the best decision for them. But knowledge is power. Learning about how pornography impacts the brain, how it is different from sex addiction, and how real healing is possible (addicts do not have to be addicts forever) can be a source of hope for the couple navigating this.
Our therapists work with betrayed partners and couples at every stage of recovery, whether or not your partner is ready to begin.
Your Partner Has to Want to Change
Of course, the person who did the betraying has to want to change. If they don’t, no amount of information will help. Contrition, change, and trust rebuilding are in order for the betrayer, not defensiveness.
Support for Partners in Tampa, St. Petersburg, and Sarasota
You do not have to sort through this alone. Dr. Alex Castañeda, Ph.D., LMHC, sees clients at our Tampa office and virtually across Florida. Our therapists also support betrayed partners at our St. Petersburg office and our Sarasota office.
